boys don't cry (such a lie)

"In the clearing stands a boxer

And a fighter by his trade

And he carries the reminders

Of every glove that laid him down

Or cut him till he cried out

In his anger and his shame

'I am leaving, I am leaving' 

But the fighter still remains" -'The Boxer', Simon & Garfunkel

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Anyone can listen in; this one's for the fellas--

The ones quietly pushing against apathy, pushing against emotional muting, pushing against a hangover, pushing against their fathers or mothers (or both), pushing against the withering self-talk, pushing against overcorrection. Pushing against porn and its lies, pushing against checking out. Pushing against themselves sometimes.

Pushing against G!d.

Pushing for a break in the fog. How can it look to express emotional turmoil, as a man? Want to be authentic, do not want to inadvertently add to any cesspools of 'toxic' masculinity. Pushing for a way through. Squinting toward the horizon, hoping for some lived-in guideposts of what masculinity means, without that adjective 'toxic' in front of it.

[Before I say anything else, lemme say this: warnings about 'toxic' masculinity are entirely proper, wise, and warranted. Misogyny cannot ever be an answer. The fallout of sin taints everything -- in some way, for now -- about this world (Romans 8:20-22), including how we relate to one another.]

So some ink needs spilling about masculinity, not just as 'masculinity has to not be this', but 'a meaning of masculinity should include this [insert ideal].' Embodying masculinity has to reach beyond describing what it is not.

Just some observations about sloggging through emotional turmoil as a man:

1) Non-toxic doesn't equal healthy. As much as I love me some Cheetos -- and the snack does meet the FDA-approved standard of 'non-toxic' -- that doesn't mean my health would flourish via a steady intake of the enriched corn meal, garishly orange cheese seasoning, and maltodextrin.

So if you aim to be non-toxic with your masculinity, that's laudable! It's a swell start. Thankfully, there's more to it than that.

2) As many times as a torpedo sinks the cartoon-macho facade of the emotionless, stoic, never cries and never feels pain (except for kicks to the groin) masculinity, the image consistently washes ashore like a live grenade, ready to inflict pain.

We cognitively sense this facade doesn't work. It slowly corrodes from within. But where (and how) to start piecing together alternative ways to relate? Where can one feel safe enough to clumsily emote?

For me, my wariness to torpedo that facade stemmed from this: Once I blew it up, I had no idea what would take its place. At least with the facade, I felt some predictability (this wasn't actually true, but until I had an equally compelling narrative to counter this one, it was easiest to believe).

What did help me: observing up-close how other men dealt with this stuff. Wiser men, older men. Safe men who rooted for me, counseled me, laughed with me, didn't agree with me about everything, heard me through the rough emotional first drafts.

Choosing to spend time around other men showed me how they navigated emotional turmoil without either exploding, or stuffing it a million miles down into their chest. I could learn some by imitating these intriguing ways to relate. And by imitating, I could gain some confidence to continue onward. This still helps me.

2) Speaking of older men: a word on your father, or a father figure in your life. He may seem impossible to connect with, but he's walked some of these paths. Don't write him off prematurely. There's more there than meets your present understanding. It can be a frustrating, yet rewarding, exercise to unearth the long-ago person and lessons inside of him. It'll take you some time to do this.

3) Therapy can help. I've benefitted a ton in my life from talking my stuff out with a professional. Pragmatically speaking, it's meant that I don't assume the dual roles of participant and moderator to my internal nonstop dialogue. I can talk stuff out, and someone else -- professionally trained! -- can moderate, can assist to figure out how the puzzle in my mind might fit together.

If you need a more pragmatic reason in support of therapy: it's undoubtedly more budget-friendly in the long run than not going to therapy. If you're sometimes willing to drive 15-20 minutes out of the way to fill up on gas that's just 5-10 cents cheaper, then this mindset also applies for therapy > no therapy.

4) The end goal is not to show emotions just like the women in your life show them. So if you're concerned that emoting will make you appear more feminine, nah. It will expand your notions and range of how masculinity can and does express itself.

5) That being said, odds are quite good you have strong, wise women in your life that you trust (I don't only mean girlfriends, or potential future girlfriends. I mean friends. Co-workers). This is a gift from God. Of course you can learn much from their example, their counsel, their friendship, their observations, their ways of relating, their stories. In the Old Testament book of Proverbs, wisdom is depicted as a caring, street-smart, strong, supportive 'she'. That's not a typo.

6) You possess these capabilities already. So it's not like adding an external software update onto your hard drive. It's more like discovering some tools you already own buried in the bottom of your closet, figuring out their intended purpose, and how to use them well.

I do not write as someone who's figured this stuff out. HARDLY. But I write as someone who's been some of where you are, has tripped headlong on many exposed tree roots of similar trails, and knows something of the purposeful, resolute stepping needed to make headway.

So find the trails nearby that await your walking on them. It's near time to dump the puzzle pieces out onto the table; time to start to try to make sense of the larger picture. The fighter still remains.

(Thx J.N. for the prompt!)