friends with an ex

"Of course we can still be friends." The last gasp of a dating relationship/situationship, etc.

Is trying to salvage a friendship worth your time? In time, maybe. Not always, though

Is it realistic? Well, that depends--

Is it just something nice that's said to show politeness? Usually. 

A few matters about this to point out, in no particular order (Dear Reader: please note, these principles and useful tips I've learned myself, usually the hard way -- happy to discuss further in person, as usual).

a) It's grueling to try to stay friends immediately after a breakup. Try to salvage a friendship -- not right away -- but way, way later. A wise rule of thumb: restoring a friendship cannot really start until the person most hurt and/or surprised by the breakup feels ready to do so.

b) Whether you're doing the breaking up, or being broken up with, no one can demand friendship. By friendship, I mean the effort to keep connection and to share life with another. Friendship is friendship because it's freely exchanged. So if you do not want to be friends, that's acceptable. The other person doesn't have to agree.

b) If you hope this 'let's stay friends' sentiment will lead you to someday get back together, please note: that's a harrowing place for your heart to perch and to wait. Don't let your hopes wander too far out onto that branch.

c) One (or both) of y'all will need quality time ... apart. No contact, don't reach out, social media unfollowing/ muting, stay away from where they frequent, no spending time together --- these are all wise steps to take. It often compares to weaning yourself off an addiction. So go your own way (and call it another lonely day).

d) Friends with benefits: an awful, counterproductive, dignity-marring, heart-damaging, dumb idea. Please don't do it. You deserve so much better. Part of reminding yourself of the truth (that you deserve better) is to steadfastly stay far, far, far away from whatever could never co-exist with that truth.

e) You will feel some pangs -- of desire, angst, or heartache -- when you see your ex. 

Ouch. 

A best friend of mine taught me that this does NOT mean we still want to be with them. It usually happens because we've trained ourselves to respond a certain way when we see that person. Ergo, it takes time to undo our conditioned response, and to think of them differently. 

Give yourself that time.

e) The first few times of being around an ex will feel weird and clumsy. That's normal.

f) If you want to work toward being friends, do yourself a favor: do not ask them if they're dating or in a situationship with anyone. You don't need to know. This is tea you need not try to spill.

g) We all suffer through moments when our emotions ping around our brains at hyper-speed ... when we can't resist believing every absurd-anxious, half-baked thought we have about how we suck, and how no one could ever really love us. 

"Oh, that's not just me?!?" you may think. 

It's not.

Your brain will entertain this crooked frame of thinking at times. It sucks. And it won't last. But, to get your head straight, you'll need to talk it out. With a friend.

When your perspective warps in this way, try your level best to not seek support from your ex (nor from any of your ex's friends). Fall apart and piece yourself back together in a place, and with people, loyal to you ... safe for you ... relatively uncomplicated for you ... who won't gossip about you.

i) Pro Tip: If, soon after the breakup, you're with a group of people, and the other person is also there or will be there, try to arrive first. This way, you can find people to interact with who will keep your attention occupied and talking about anything else.

j) Pro Tip #2: If you're with a group of people, and the other person is there ... leaving too early > staying too long. Plan your exit. Leave when you plan to leave. Be concise and cheerily bland with saying goodbye to the group, and get out.

k) If the ex sends a message/calls/sends a notification ... don't respond until about a full day later, at minimum. It's not mean. It's wise. 

This particularly holds true for messages received say between 10:32AM-3:47AM). In a word: everyone is dumber in the later evening hours. Everyone is less mentally/emotionally sharp after midnight. You are too.

Eventually, keeping a friendship with an ex does become easier. You may not stay in touch with this person all your life. But it can get to a place where -- if you see each other somewhere -- it can be cordial. Respectful. Not a big deal.

And ... in time ... if being friends works well, you might become some version of an unproblematic ex for them. Someone trusted. You become someone your ex wouldn't mind introducing to their current partner, or future spouse. You can be in the same space, it isn't weird, it doesn't get physical, and you're content.

That's a sweet place to be. But it takes time. It takes effort, and boundaries. It takes grace, and it takes forgiveness to get there.