a la carté kills

How I learned a valuable lesson about self-respect, dating, and relationships.

When I was in college (or shortly thereafter), this girl and I developed a friendship that, through time and conversations, became more. Talking with her on the phone once or twice a week morphed into talking on the phone every single night (this was before text messaging was a thing).

Texting on these phones took commitment.

 

We lived in different cities, but within easy driving distance. We'd confide about our life hopes, dreams, funny stories, day-to-day details, worries. We'd known each other for years, knew we had similar values and beliefs. We became each others closest emotional supports. 

 

It didn't take much for my heart to want more. She told me I was the best, someone she could trust ... someone she loved. "Wow," I thought. "This seems so good!"

 

And it was so good ... save for one detail.

She had a boyfriend. 

Of him she didn't speak much. 

 

What she did share with me: she knew they could never work out long-term. He wasn't much for meaningful conversation. He wasn't what she sought for her future. How she had all this time to talk with me while dating someone else, I couldn't figure. This unspoken question rattled around my skull: "then whyyyyy are you still with him?"

 

In my uncertainty, I never asked this question. I reasoned that if I showed myself to be an obvious step up, that she'd ditch her boyfriend.  Then, we could continue what we'd started.

 

So I kept on, with allowing myself to grow closer. Talking, sharing life, sharing laughs, sharing dreams. We poured more of our hearts out onto one another. I did my best to ignore the pesky "one detail" (that annoyingly remained a detail). Sooner ... or later, I reasoned, she'd end it with him if I kept giving pieces of my time, energy, my heart. 

How could I have believed this would work? I don't think hindsight is always 20/20 ... but hindsight can offer clarity and perspective.

Thank God for friends who love us enough to tell us the truth. 

 

Thank God for friends who love us enough to say hard truths we must hear. 

 

My best friend Matt's wife was (and is) wise beyond her years. In talking with them about this conundrum, and my hopes for how this would work out, she leveled me with a perspective I hadn't yet heard.

"You are a la carté-ing yourself," she told me. "You should not do this. You're gonna get hurt."

"A la carté-ing ... myself?? What does that mean?" I knew what 'a la carté' meant: it's a term often used at restaurants. It refers to a menu or list of items that can be ordered separately, rather than altogether. I hadn't yet heard it about dating, or relationships.

 

"Here's what I mean," she replied. "Right now, you're offering pieces of yourself, in hopes that she'll end up wanting more. But that's not how it should be. God made us to be loved completely, not piecemeal. None of us as whole people are ever too much for one person. Someone should either get all of you, or none of you. That's self-respect. As it stands, she's got you for emotional support and camaraderie, but then there's this boyfriend who's somehow still in the picture. Why would she commit to wanting all of you, and ditching this other dude, if you're offering just parts of you? Don't devalue yourself, do not a la carté yourself. Connection without commitment is not stable, and you're gonna get hurt."

This perspective changed my life, y'all. I'd never heard this from the vantage point of standing up for myself and my worth in an appropriate, respectful, and resolute manner.

It's been more than two decades since I heard this. I share this wisdom a few times a year with people in similar scenarios, and it's absolutely right. If it's true for me, it's gotta be true for you as well.

Don't offer a la carté versions of yourself when it comes to dating relationships.

You're worth way more than that.

looking for love? check your friend zone

"I could never be attracted to her like that," you think. "We're just friends."

Maybe.

"He's like a brother to me," you say to yourself. "No way I could think of him as anything more."

Are ya sure?

Let's (at least) admit this: many of y'all regularly use an ad-hoc, 

...unevenly applied and followed, 

...never-completely-verbalized, 

...always-in-edit-mode criteria 

for what sort of person you want to be with (or not be with). It shifts like a breeze on a spring day.

Please don't hear what I'm not saying: I'm not saying that's an unreasonable thing to do.

What I am saying: your criteria for who gets 'friend zoned' also shifts with time, and experiences.

[a Friend Zone Description: a friendship between two people in which one of the persons has an attraction to the other that's not presently reciprocated]

Ergo, it's not inconceivable that someone in your 'friend zone' might respectfully desire more, hope for more. It's also not inconceivable that while they fit the friend zone just fine when you met, maybe they have more to offer. 

That was then, this is now. 

Ideally, you get wiser with time.

To put it another way: you would not want to be with someone you wouldn't also be friends with. So an overlap of friendship and romantic love already makes sense. And yes: attraction, sexuality, romance, etc are -- within a proper context -- all great blessings from God. But if this lacks a foundation of respect and a lasting friendship, something's wrong.

Infatuation, having a crush, situationship(s), "what-are-we" chats, and 'catching feelings' usually involves heaps of adrenaline-laced anxiety.

But, we can mistakenly think this: if we enjoy someone's company, but being around them lacks that boost of octane adrenaline, that's not someone for us. Yet we also should feel safe in relationships. This feeling would correlate to lower anxiety. So don't brush off a lack of, or more subdued feeling of, 'butterflies in the stomach' or palpable 'rizz.'

This world absolutely brims with happy, thriving couples who were friends first. 

And at some point, one of them probably thought, 'This is someone I want to be with' while the other person initially said, 'No way this would ever be anything more.' Dear reader, I personally know many couples who started out this way. Heck, I'm one of them too.

So what am I saying?

I'm not saying you were wrong to categorize someone as "just" a friend, and nothing more. I'm just saying it's wise to occasionally re-evaluate these decisions.

Looking for love? Check your friend zone. Check it like you check your blind spot while driving.

Try to look at someone in a different light. See if there's anything more to see. Maybe you'll still be just friends. But it's at least worth considering.

If you enjoy spending time with someone, and they have character qualities that you respect and want to be around, that's a foundation for a healthy friendship. Bonus: it also happens to be a foundation for a healthy relationship.

Sometimes, we discover the best treasures are right next to us the entire time.

Book to read for further contemplation:

-Boundaries in Dating (by Cloud & Townsend), chapter 7: "Don't Fall In Love With Someone You Wouldn't Be Friends With"

friends with an ex

"Of course we can still be friends." The last gasp of a dating relationship/situationship, etc.

Is trying to salvage a friendship worth your time? In time, maybe. Not always, though

Is it realistic? Well, that depends--

Is it just something nice that's said to show politeness? Usually. 

A few matters about this to point out, in no particular order (Dear Reader: please note, these principles and useful tips I've learned myself, usually the hard way -- happy to discuss further in person, as usual).

a) It's grueling to try to stay friends immediately after a breakup. Try to salvage a friendship -- not right away -- but way, way later. A wise rule of thumb: restoring a friendship cannot really start until the person most hurt and/or surprised by the breakup feels ready to do so.

b) Whether you're doing the breaking up, or being broken up with, no one can demand friendship. By friendship, I mean the effort to keep connection and to share life with another. Friendship is friendship because it's freely exchanged. So if you do not want to be friends, that's acceptable. The other person doesn't have to agree.

b) If you hope this 'let's stay friends' sentiment will lead you to someday get back together, please note: that's a harrowing place for your heart to perch and to wait. Don't let your hopes wander too far out onto that branch.

c) One (or both) of y'all will need quality time ... apart. No contact, don't reach out, social media unfollowing/ muting, stay away from where they frequent, no spending time together --- these are all wise steps to take. It often compares to weaning yourself off an addiction. So go your own way (and call it another lonely day).

d) Friends with benefits: an awful, counterproductive, dignity-marring, heart-damaging, dumb idea. Please don't do it. You deserve so much better. Part of reminding yourself of the truth (that you deserve better) is to steadfastly stay far, far, far away from whatever could never co-exist with that truth.

e) You will feel some pangs -- of desire, angst, or heartache -- when you see your ex. 

Ouch. 

A best friend of mine taught me that this does NOT mean we still want to be with them. It usually happens because we've trained ourselves to respond a certain way when we see that person. Ergo, it takes time to undo our conditioned response, and to think of them differently. 

Give yourself that time.

e) The first few times of being around an ex will feel weird and clumsy. That's normal.

f) If you want to work toward being friends, do yourself a favor: do not ask them if they're dating or in a situationship with anyone. You don't need to know. This is tea you need not try to spill.

g) We all suffer through moments when our emotions ping around our brains at hyper-speed ... when we can't resist believing every absurd-anxious, half-baked thought we have about how we suck, and how no one could ever really love us. 

"Oh, that's not just me?!?" you may think. 

It's not.

Your brain will entertain this crooked frame of thinking at times. It sucks. And it won't last. But, to get your head straight, you'll need to talk it out. With a friend.

When your perspective warps in this way, try your level best to not seek support from your ex (nor from any of your ex's friends). Fall apart and piece yourself back together in a place, and with people, loyal to you ... safe for you ... relatively uncomplicated for you ... who won't gossip about you.

i) Pro Tip: If, soon after the breakup, you're with a group of people, and the other person is also there or will be there, try to arrive first. This way, you can find people to interact with who will keep your attention occupied and talking about anything else.

j) Pro Tip #2: If you're with a group of people, and the other person is there ... leaving too early > staying too long. Plan your exit. Leave when you plan to leave. Be concise and cheerily bland with saying goodbye to the group, and get out.

k) If the ex sends a message/calls/sends a notification ... don't respond until about a full day later, at minimum. It's not mean. It's wise. 

This particularly holds true for messages received say between 10:32AM-3:47AM). In a word: everyone is dumber in the later evening hours. Everyone is less mentally/emotionally sharp after midnight. You are too.

Eventually, keeping a friendship with an ex does become easier. You may not stay in touch with this person all your life. But it can get to a place where -- if you see each other somewhere -- it can be cordial. Respectful. Not a big deal.

And ... in time ... if being friends works well, you might become some version of an unproblematic ex for them. Someone trusted. You become someone your ex wouldn't mind introducing to their current partner, or future spouse. You can be in the same space, it isn't weird, it doesn't get physical, and you're content.

That's a sweet place to be. But it takes time. It takes effort, and boundaries. It takes grace, and it takes forgiveness to get there.