parade fail

Be gracious with yourself. Take your screw-ups in stride.

I once participated in an Independence Day parade-I was 16 years old. My simple task was to sit in the back of a pickup truck and toss candy to roadside parade watchers. The parade kept a manic pace; sometimes we'd idle for a few minutes. Other times, our truck would have to zip along to catch up.

A few blocks into our route, I spotted this girl I knew from school (she was watching the parade). It would be fair to say I was interested in getting to know her better. Maybe I was also interested in asking her out on a date at some point.

'Ah ... here's my chance to make a glorious impression,' I thought. My quickly-concocted plan: I could hop off the side of the truck, say hi and give her candy, and then keep moving with the parade ('Gotta run; I'll call you later!!'). Then, I could indeed call her later, continue chatting ... and perhaps ask her out on a date.

Seldom do plans this good come together this effortlessly.

'Let's roll,' I said to myself, swinging my legs over to hop off the side of the idling truck.

At that same moment, it lurched forward to keep with the parade pace.

It's quite astounding how, in an instant, good plans turn to rot. Instead of hopping off this truck, I was now falling off this truck.

Thankfully, I did not hit the road face-first. Instead, I sorta ... belly-flopped onto the street, about five feet in front of this girl (and her friends who were all watching with her).

Until I fell out from nowhere, she hadn't noticed my participation in this parade. She for sure noticed now. The sting on my chest from hitting the pavement mirrored the sting of mortification I felt because I'd just wiped out before her very eyes.

It suddenly no longer seemed like the ideal time to chat. I'd just fallen off the back of a truck in front of her, and the parade continued moving. So I gasped out, 'Hey ... [lands on roadway] Oww!! ... Well, good to see you! Here's some candy -- gotta go!', and hurriedly shuffle-limped off.

Smooth. 

At that time, I felt unfathomably embarrassed.

At that time, I hoped no one witnessed what had just happened. At that time, I felt like I'd just socially kicked myself right in the teeth.

Perhaps, as you're reading this story, you're also remembering a time when you endured a similar embarrassment. Those moments stick in the memory bank. 

But at this time? It's one of my favorite stories to tell on myself.

If I'd face-planted out of a truck in front of my best friends, we would have laughed, and kept on laughing until we cried.

Slowly but steadily, I've come to learn that I can't totally trust my gut feelings about myself. I often overreact to my own screw-ups, and assume the worst fallout. In the moment, I seldom extend the grace to myself that I eventually will settle into later. I've learned that a lot of the time, my dear friends have a clearer view of me and my worth than I do.

Screwing up is a part of life. It happens to me. It happens to you.

Anyway, blessings on your day today. 

Perhaps you can reflect on some of your past screw-ups. Your perspective could be kinder now than it was before. That's the wiser posture to hold. Try to laugh at yourself when you can, and as your friends would laugh, from a place of love and warmth -- that's where much of grace resides.

ask for help? are you insane?

I don't like asking for help. You don't like it either.

 

Behold, a smattering of excuses I've used to avoid asking for help in (various) situations:

 

-"I don't want to be a burden"

-"I don't even know where to start with what I need"

-"They won't take care of this for me in the way I want it taken care of, so I'll just do it myself"

-"People are all so busy, I hate to add on more thing to anyone's plate"

-"They can't help by bringing/making me food because they don't know how to deal with my allergies"

-"I don't want to then deal with all the questions"

-"One time I asked for help and that person who said they would ended up letting me down, so I'm not going to do that again"

-"I don't want to owe anyone any favors"

Does this sound familiar? Do you abhor asking others to help you? Would you rather punch yourself in the face?

Of course.

 

Even though so much publicity and messaging exists to reassure you that getting help doesn't make you a freak or weak --

-- you still reflexively recoil at the thought of asking someone to help you. I do too. It's sufficiently ingrained in this age that we avoid such entanglements.

 

Yet it's hard to find a more anti-Christian, anti-human credo to attempt to operate by than "I shouldn't need anyone's help."

Please hear this, with love: many people do want to contribute and assist you in your success. But you (and I) make it hard to do if you (and I) never let anyone lend a hand. 

In a weird way, asking a friend for help serves them. 

When I grant others the honor of showing their care for me, that blesses them. Being able to show unselfish, unconditioned love for another person fulfills. It reminds me (and you) that letting others help widens my (and your) trust for them, and vice versa.

Truth is, we can't do everything by ourselves. We profess to understand and to heed this axiom, but in reality, we attempt to instead do 98% by ourselves. We heed the technicality of this truth, but not the spirit of it.

So ask for help. Start small, and start with someone you trust. Admit what you don't yet know instead of trying to fake it. It's how people get stronger, and how trust grows, and how the world should work.

 

satellites connect us

Sometimes in life, some event scatters a cluster of friends outward from a shared space and common timeline.

-High school graduation.

-A church youth group slowly ages out -- going its separate ways, ending up worlds apart.

-A team finishes a season.

-Last night of summer camp.

-A best friend from elementary or middle school moves away in the summer.

-The final night of a play, after striking the stage.

-End of a spring semester of college.

-College graduation.

 

Like an exploding star of memories and matter, what seemed like one friend nucleus becomes multiple paths, spreading outward ... and away.

 

"You don't have to go home, 

but you can't stay here" -Semisonic, 'Closing Time'

There's an excitement to these new paths. 

 

There's a poignancy to stepping off the old paths.

Maintaining these ties to our once-clustered loved ones takes intentionality that it didn't once require.

 

"Nothing gold can stay," the poet reminds us. "A time to keep, a time to cast away," the writer of Ecclesiastes tells us.

The proximity we shared (and sometimes took for granted, though honestly, we didn't mean to) wasn't meant for forever. Goodbyes come at some point. Our times together become scattered.

"I guess this is growing up" -Blink 182, 'Dammit'

But: we're not without some hope. The metaphor of you and your friends scattering like an exploding star--forever outward and away--thankfully isn't the most accurate metaphor. It just can't be.

Why: because, Lord willing, there will be times to reconvene. There will be times to re-gather. There will be times to mourn together, to be together, and to laugh together, in a shared physical time and place again.

My vote for a more accurate metaphor is this: maybe we're more like a satellites orbiting a moon.

 

Times will come when our links to our friends gets tenuous. They disappear to the dark side of the moon (so to speak), and our signal contact gets interrupted. From other people's perspectives, we go around that side of the moon as well. But they (and we) can come back around. Our signal contact gets restored.

It's something exceptional when you and your people reconnect. The most unexpected tears of joy I let out on my wedding day was in our receiving line, seeing my dear college friend Vicki greet me and my wife. I knew she'd be there, so her presence wasn't a surprise. A vital, lovely, loyal friend from such a formative time of my life, traveling such a long way to witness a life milestone of mine. We once saw each other every day, but those days are gone. Seeing her there mattered the world to me. I'll never forget it.

The orbits can align again, for a time. 

We do get some say in where our orbits steer us.

So hold tightly to each other while you're here, and you're together. Enjoy the now. Don't worry that it feels like it's slipping away too fast; you can't help that.

It's doesn't have to be the beginning of the end. But perhaps, it's actually the end of some beginning. 

Different can still be good, but it'll rarely be the same sort of good. It'll be a new, usually unanticipated sort of good. Prepare to make effort to stay in touch. Don't let sporadic contact dishearten you for long. Send a text. Write the note. Make the drive. Book the travel. Walk together. Tell them when something makes you smile because it reminds you of them. Send a text again.

There's just nothing like old friends.

"Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end" -Semisonic, 'Closing Time'

a la carté kills

How I learned a valuable lesson about self-respect, dating, and relationships.

When I was in college (or shortly thereafter), this girl and I developed a friendship that, through time and conversations, became more. Talking with her on the phone once or twice a week morphed into talking on the phone every single night (this was before text messaging was a thing).

Texting on these phones took commitment.

 

We lived in different cities, but within easy driving distance. We'd confide about our life hopes, dreams, funny stories, day-to-day details, worries. We'd known each other for years, knew we had similar values and beliefs. We became each others closest emotional supports. 

 

It didn't take much for my heart to want more. She told me I was the best, someone she could trust ... someone she loved. "Wow," I thought. "This seems so good!"

 

And it was so good ... save for one detail.

She had a boyfriend. 

Of him she didn't speak much. 

 

What she did share with me: she knew they could never work out long-term. He wasn't much for meaningful conversation. He wasn't what she sought for her future. How she had all this time to talk with me while dating someone else, I couldn't figure. This unspoken question rattled around my skull: "then whyyyyy are you still with him?"

 

In my uncertainty, I never asked this question. I reasoned that if I showed myself to be an obvious step up, that she'd ditch her boyfriend.  Then, we could continue what we'd started.

 

So I kept on, with allowing myself to grow closer. Talking, sharing life, sharing laughs, sharing dreams. We poured more of our hearts out onto one another. I did my best to ignore the pesky "one detail" (that annoyingly remained a detail). Sooner ... or later, I reasoned, she'd end it with him if I kept giving pieces of my time, energy, my heart. 

How could I have believed this would work? I don't think hindsight is always 20/20 ... but hindsight can offer clarity and perspective.

Thank God for friends who love us enough to tell us the truth. 

 

Thank God for friends who love us enough to say hard truths we must hear. 

 

My best friend Matt's wife was (and is) wise beyond her years. In talking with them about this conundrum, and my hopes for how this would work out, she leveled me with a perspective I hadn't yet heard.

"You are a la carté-ing yourself," she told me. "You should not do this. You're gonna get hurt."

"A la carté-ing ... myself?? What does that mean?" I knew what 'a la carté' meant: it's a term often used at restaurants. It refers to a menu or list of items that can be ordered separately, rather than altogether. I hadn't yet heard it about dating, or relationships.

 

"Here's what I mean," she replied. "Right now, you're offering pieces of yourself, in hopes that she'll end up wanting more. But that's not how it should be. God made us to be loved completely, not piecemeal. None of us as whole people are ever too much for one person. Someone should either get all of you, or none of you. That's self-respect. As it stands, she's got you for emotional support and camaraderie, but then there's this boyfriend who's somehow still in the picture. Why would she commit to wanting all of you, and ditching this other dude, if you're offering just parts of you? Don't devalue yourself, do not a la carté yourself. Connection without commitment is not stable, and you're gonna get hurt."

This perspective changed my life, y'all. I'd never heard this from the vantage point of standing up for myself and my worth in an appropriate, respectful, and resolute manner.

It's been more than two decades since I heard this. I share this wisdom a few times a year with people in similar scenarios, and it's absolutely right. If it's true for me, it's gotta be true for you as well.

Don't offer a la carté versions of yourself when it comes to dating relationships.

You're worth way more than that.

first date advice

I've been stewing on this for awhile -- a student asked me about what to remember when going on or asking someone out for a first date. So here goes...

Disclaimer: of course I can't say everything that could possibly be said about this. But, what follows is what came to my mind. Please also ask wise, discerning people you know in your life about this too.

-A wise friend once said to me: "Dates can either be perfect, or they can be interesting. And truth be told, interesting is way easier to pull off than perfect." 

So do not aim for perfect. Aim for sufficiently interesting.

-Ask clearly that you'd like to hang out, and not just as friends. 

Yes, it's bold. Yes, it's a bit frightening. But it's also clear, and people appreciate clarity. Might as well put your intentions out there. Possibly getting let down sooner > possibly getting let down later.

-Keep the vibe of shooting your shot purposeful, concise, yet casual. Act as though you've thought it through, and it makes absolute logical sense from your perspective. "You're fun to spend time with, I enjoy talking with you, so asking you out is a no-brainer for me. What do you say?"

-If they decline: say OK. And if/when you see them around after the fact, do your best to relate to them as respectfully and innocuously as possible. You don't need to show them the same frenetic excitement as you might have done before the ask, but it's still wise to interact amiably.

You, giving them your usual head nod

If they decline, part II: Odds are good they're used to getting a weird vibe after turning someone down, so try to avoid that.

You treating them with respect will show maturity, and may perplex them (in a good way).

Why this matters, practically speaking: let's say you ask, they decline, and you do treat them with follow-up respect, normalcy, and friendliness. But then later on, a friend of theirs catches your interest. What will the first person say if/when asked about you? If you treat them maturely, they'll have a good report to share : "They weren't really my type, but they were cool about it". That says a lot.

-Food: for initial times hanging out, lunches (or brunches) are easier than dinners. It feels like there's less on the line if the rizz isn't quite fully blooming at first, but it has potential. 

And it's less time to fill with conversation.

-A word on complimenting physical appearance: For the first few times hanging out or anything like that, avoid complimenting how gorgeous they look, or how beautiful they are, etc. That comes across as way WAY too forward.

What you can do instead: specifically compliment something about what they're wearing. Maybe it's earrings, or their shoes, or their jacket, or fingernail polish, or their shirt, or bracelet. Whatever. Especially if it's something unique. You can also ask for the story of how and where they acquired said item. It gives you something to talk about. It shows that you're attentive. And it's a compliment. But it's a compliment that doesn't give a weird vibe.

-If you're doing the asking for the date, you probably should offer to pay. My reasoning has nothing to do with any potential gender expectations. It's because of this unavoidable truth: the potential downsides of offering to pay beat the potential downsides of not offering to pay.

-For example, one potential downside of not offering to pay: let's say the person that you asked out has a friend you meet later, and that person really could be someone suitable for you. You'd much rather have the talk about you be 'he wasn't really my type, but our hanging out was fine' then have them say 'eh, he asked me out, but he didn't even offer to pay'.

-If you'd like to pay for the date, please say so before anyone else (restaurant, ticket agent, cashier) asks. If the other person resists this, a possible way through is to ask if they have any cash on them. If they do, tell them that you'd like to pay, and ask them if they can leave the tip. Or if you're getting ice cream after that, could they pay for that.

If they still insist on paying for their portion, then let it be. This is not something you want to dwell on. Don't say "you pay the next time", that feels too presumptive.

-Does the person you're asking have any dietary allergies or restrictions? 

If so, and if y'all are going to grab a bite to eat, knowing beforehand what eateries can accommodate helps. And it makes you look considerate and thoughtful.

-If you're someone who likes to plan ahead, but also doesn't want to give off 'controlling' vibes, have a couple of date ideas in mind, all for which you're prepped. Float the options to the other person, and see what option toward which they react favorably. That way, they have a say too, but you're still able to think stuff through and plan.

People do like choices.

-Wear the clothes that you're most comfortable in, that also fit you well. Please make sure they're clean. Take a shower.

-Give your shoes a quick look. Taking three minutes to clean up your sneakers or polish your shoes makes a world of difference. If it's a first date, give strong consideration to not wearing flip-flops or anything that shows bare feet. Sheath the paws.

-Chew gum, take breath mints with you. It never hurts.

-Go easy on the cologne, or perfume. This scent is meant to be discovered, NOT ANNOUNCED. Spray it on your skin, not your clothes -- any decent body spray is formulated to interact with your body temperature.

-Take your phone, but do your best to not check it with them there.

-Steer clear of alcohol and/or mind-altering substances. This is generally decent advice, but especially so on a first date. 

-If you're taking your car, clean it out ahead of time, fill up the gas if needed.

That Raising Cane's to-go bag that's been on the front seat floorboard since your 10PM late snack run the other weekend? Throw it out.

That random hockey stick wedged in your backseat? Put it somewhere else.

The funk-y soccer cleats you keep in your backseat because it's convenient? Move them to the trunk.

Those used coffee cups you've been meaning to recycle but haven't yet? Today's recycling day.

The car doesn't need to look showroom new. It just needs to look (and smell) like you usually take care of it. You get the idea.

-If you need to borrow a car, work that out with a friend ahead of time. Put some gas back in the car after you're done with it (however much you used), as a courtesy.

-Let your friends know where you're going, and who you'll be with. Ask them to pray for you.

-Think ahead of time about what you might like to talk about, to keep conversation going. Easy, loose conversations take a studied sort of background effort to maintain. But they get easier with practice. Pro tip: people love to be able to answer questions brilliantly, ie questions about themselves, or about their past experiences, or about why they're into whatever they're into.

But also ... don't only ask questions. Too many could feel like an interview, so also come ready to talk about yourself, do some small talk. Questions should ideally morph into conversations.

A helpful book regarding good questions

-Don't talk about the ex. A first date is not the time for this, even if it's an innocuous, lighthearted story. There's so much other stuff to converse about. If the story is too good and too related to the moment to not share, then say it's about "a friend of yours" or "someone you went to school with."

-End the date concisely. If you're dropping them off, make the effort to walk them to the door, or to get them as close as possible to where you're dropping them off. Thank them for their time, tell them you enjoyed their company. Don't ask them out on another outing at the end -- give yourself (and them!) space to reflect on the time y'all spent together. Stay there until you see them successfully make entry into wherever they live.

-Then go decompress with your friends and/or trusted voices in your life. Resist your phone or updating your social media. Go radio silent on social media about the date.

-Send a text the next day to thank them for the time. If you send it too soon after the date, it feels like a pre-prepared auto-notification thank you. So wait on it. Keep the text short, sincere. We're all in a better mood and more rested in the morning, so send it in the mid-morning. 

And then do your best to not hover over your phone to see when a reply text arrives.

anatomy of a college friendship

Heard a song in an Instagram reel this morning, put my dear, old college friend Vicki to my mind. So I texted her the reel.

Immediate reply: "Love me some Savage Garden!"

I couldn't tell you whether that's her most favorite band -- I just know she loves them. You know how friends will just happen to say the one thing to you that sticks forever in your brain? Her telling me that she loved a particular song of theirs ("Crash & Burn") sticks forever in my brain.

"When you feel all alone, and the world has turned its back on you / give me a moment please, to tame your wild wild heart"

How do lifelong friendships start? 

For Vicki and I, friendship started because we both joined the same college org as freshmen. She came from Colorado. I'm sure we initially met at a party on some weekend night, but those details are (understandably) hazy.

The nowhere-else-in-nature-does-this-regularly-occur sort of closeness one forges with peers in college sure helps. The crowds and friend groups tend to ripen large during freshmen year. Eventually, they start to pare down -- by circumstance, by graduations, by different paths -- by choices. As life pared down, we noticed that we were both around still.

"Let me be the one you call

If you jump I'll break your fall

Lift you up and fly away with you into the night

If you need to crash then crash and burn

You're not alone"

Life in college tosses in hairpin turns that take the shape of heartache, of re-routed dreams, of loved ones dying, of dreams dashed. But it also tosses in times of incredible hilarity, dignified silliness, unforgettable laughs, poignant love, and assured camaraderie. 

I know it was Vicki who once pranked me by applying plastic cling wrap around my dumpy college car so thoroughly that I couldn't open the doors. 

And she knows it was me who toilet papered her house one night -- those were some tall trees to climb to get those toilet paper rolls up as high as we wanted. 

Through either, times come when someone needs a friend, and a friend stays close. At varying times, Vicki would choose to stay close for me. At other times, I would choose to stay close for her. We've attend each other's weddings, had many many conversations over the decades, shared tears and laughs. 

In college, Vicki held politely firm to her inclination that my college girlfriend wasn't a suitable enough match for me, and you know ... she was right. Thank God for V's wisdom in that. 

You learn to trust those who you can totally be yourself around, who've seen you at your lowest (and highest) and still show you light. There's a sort of friend sticks with you closer than a brother, the proverb says (Prov. 18:24, for those keeping score).

Anyway, Vicki became and is still one of those people for me. Her undertone giggle when she hears something funny, her mere presence, her wisdom, the uncomplicated way she's stood with me and been my friend ... it still all means the world.

"When you feel all alone, and a loyal friend is hard to find

Let me be the one you call" 

And for you? 

If you're reading this, you might not yet know who such people will be. As freshmen, Vic and I knew of each other. We weren't yet close friends, nor particularly on our way to becoming that. Odds are fair that your version of this person is someone you've met, but with whom you're not yet close.

It's fascinating to think of who -- among the people you regularly see now -- will become this! The future awaits you in ways you cannot fathom.

So I pray for you all, of course I do. Among these prayers, I pray that your eyes remain wide open and alert for who God will put in your life in this way, these people that would become such life friends. The gift of friendship is one of the great blessings of God to us.

"Friendship is not a reward for our discrimination and good taste in finding one another out. It is the instrument by which God reveals to each the beauties of all the others." -C.S. Lewis (The Four Loves)

Crash & Burn - Savage Garden

lover & friends, inc.

Balancing friends and relationships.

It feels like a foolish balance to try to get perfect. But it's an eminently wise balance to aim for anyways.

Let me spin a story: Caleb got into a situationship/relationship with Stevie his second semester in college. He was overjoyed to be with her. They spent much time together, studying together after class, watching movies in his dorm room, hanging out with her best friend/roommate.

Yet in time, Caleb began to miss hanging out with his buddies Reggie, Amanda, and Mark. They'd met earlier in life, running cross-country and working together at an ice cream store during their summers. They stayed in touch by running together 2-3 evenings a week, for about an hour and a half or so. Joseph started skipping some of those runs to spend time with Stevie. He missed those runs. So, he began running again with his friends, letting Stevie know the regular schedule.

Stevie didn't run. Nor did she take that well to Caleb spending time away from her. It wasn't as though she actively asserted her displeasure. But her muted demeanor, the non-verbal cues, and noticeably longer time she waited before replying to his texts seemed to communicate plenty.

From Stevie's perspective, it was true: she didn't like Caleb spending time with his friends instead of with her. This maybe stemmed from how a previous boyfriend had cheated on her with one of his friends. So her unease has a plausible source. Stevie wasn't schooled enough in sussing out her emotions to articulate this to Caleb, however (most college students aren't, so she wasn't behind the curve or anything). She also just liked spending time with her boyfriend.

Caleb felt stuck. He acutely picked up Stevie's unspoken vibes. He knew that she didn't like how he spent time with his friends, instead of with her. But he didn't know how to bring it up, or how to resolve this. He just knew that whenever he chose to run, he could expect a more chilled, I'm-not-cool-with-this reaction to emanate his way from Stevie.

What to do? Maybe this sounds like a situation you've experienced, except it's Caleb who's wanting his partner all to himself. Or maybe you're in it now. Or maybe you're the one who's possessive of your partner's time, to this degree.

Some thoughts, as someone who's found myself on both sides of this dilemma:

-You cannot fully meet your partner's need for friendship and community. Your partner will need more than you in their life. This is good news for them, and for you. There's only so much one person can shoulder the load for another. Many hands make lighter burdens. Encourage your partner's friendships.

-It's understandable, and awful, how a past relationship can reroute your partner's anxieties in this direction toward wanting to keep you forever close by. That being said, it's unfair to expect you to relate to your partner within the warped margins that someone else created for them.

-This above point should be asserted respectfully and clearly.

-Share your location from your phone with your partner? That's up to you. I'd suggest treating this as a privilege that you choose to share with someone however you see fit, rather than a right that they can expect or demand of you.

-The healthiest relationships (marriages, friends, dating) are those where the person has several friends to lean upon, in addition to you. The Bible makes many mentions of the wisdom of having friends, mentors, advisors. "Without counsel plans fail, but with many advisors they succeed." -Proverbs 15:22.

-Friends with someone the same gender as your partner? This depends on the relationship, and how each person is willing to compromise and relate. A dear friend of mine (Nathan) has been married to his wife for close to 15 years. Nathan has no other female friends. This also does not bother him, in the slightest. It's something his wife isn't comfortable with, he finds that to be reasonable, so it's a non-issue for him.

Another friend of mine, Tony, is married to Carrie. Tony has a few female friends as well that he keeps up with on an intermittent basis. 

The crucial aspects that help this work smoothly for Carrie and for Tony: 

1) Tony never, ever complains about Carrie to these friends -- he saves that for his male friends, or for Carrie's family (pro tip: if you want to complain about your partner, always choose to complain to your partner's parents/siblings rather than your own. Your partner's parents will understand better, but your family may have more trouble letting it go).

2) Carrie is aware that he keeps up with these people, and shows no uneasiness about it. 

3) He doesn't really share anything with these friends that he wouldn't share with Carrie, or hasn't already shared first with her. 

4) These female friends understand that they are a lower priority to Tony than his wife, and support him in that. Carrie also knows and experiences that she's a higher priority to Tony than his friends are.

5) These female friends all have known Tony longer than Carrie has.

6) These female friends also appreciate Carrie. They have no issues spending time around her and him, and overall view Tony's wife as a new friend they enjoy interacting with whenever possible.

Dating relationships probably should aim to mirror this sort of vibe of a marriage. It's healthy to have friends in addition to a partner. Someone who shows little to no growth in recognizing this, and still sends possessive vibes, will probably not change all that much with time. So consider a future with them with eyes wide open that the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

Don't be someone you're not just to gain someone's love. Otherwise, they're not loving you, but rather the role you're choosing to take on. That never works.

late night talking

Some of us feel more at home in "deeper" conversations.

We prefer the late-night chats where we excavate the depth of life's meaning, of love, of music lyrics, of unicorns, of faith, of personality profiles, of political theory, of metaphysical aspects of trees and how they sometimes speak to us.

But it's that "small talk" many of us disdain. 

Small talk: the informal chatter about anything banal. It's the 'how's the weather', the 'how's your week going?', and 'how's you doing?' or the 'it wouldn't feel so cold without this wind' sorta conversation.

We think of small talk like it's the air in an unopened potato chip bag; it's not why anyone wants chips.

 

We regard it like it's that random filler paper stuffed in the toe of new shoes; it's decorative filler.

It's that little pocket on our jeans, you know ... the one behind the right front pocket. I'm sure there's a purpose for this pocket, but would I notice if it wasn't there?

This is not how God thinks of small talk. 

This is good news for us, even though we don't like small talk. It's not that God sees "small talk" as more (or less) important than 'deeper talk'. It's that our Lord regards everything about our lives as important and able to bring glory. There's zero delineation between 'important stuff' and 'non-important stuff'.

When we engage in small talk (even when we don't feel any good at it) we acknowledge and participate in this truth: God regards all aspects of our lives as worthy of his attention. Therefore, when we likewise show similar interest about the 'little stuff' in each other's lives, we reflect something of how God first loves us. And that's cool.

Think about it: the people you trust the most were, at one time, strangers to you. 

You shared a class in high school, or you worked together, or you went to the same church, or played on the same team. Eventually, you started talking about something "seemingly" trivial. Maybe you discussed about a mutual love of tacos, or why you love the smell of paint (admit it, some of y'all do -- there's no way that's just me), or your favorite music when you were a kid, or the particular way you eat a roll of Smarties (yes, there are particular ways).

The innocuous chats lead to deeper ones. We can't swim the ocean without first wading into the shallower water at the shoreline. We almost always learn to trust others with the deeper parts of ourselves by first disclosing the lighter parts of our lives. And it's not like our talks with trusted friends only stay at deeper topics once they reach that point: they meander from heavy to light, from sad to ridiculously funny, from plain to joyful, from amusing to predictable to endearing.

It turns out that small talk works more like the mortar between bricks. Small talk is the cartilage situated around the joints in our body. Small talk is the marinade for the steak. Small talk is the environmentally-friendly straw that stirs the drink. Small talk is the echo that comes after the blast of a joyful noise.

And we get better at it (and it gets easier) as we keep at it.

So, what plans do you have for this weekend?