if the shoes don't fit

[Readers, I exclusively shop online for clothing. In addition to this, I rarely (if ever) purchase new clothing; I prefer previously-owned stuff. Make of that what you will; it's essential for the following story.]

 

A pair of shoes I'd long desired once came across my feed. It was as though the heavens opened when I saw they were available.

Was the pair in my size? YES. 

Was the price reasonable? YES. 

Did the seller include a picture of the soles (I check tread wear before buying)? YES. 

Were the shoes void of obvious gouges and/or damages? YES.

 

From viewing the listing, these shoes met my hopes for what I wanted. So, I purchased them. 

 

Oh goodness, they looked sharp when I opened the package. Wore them to work, happy to find shoes that looked decent. But as I walked around that day, I noticed they began rubbing savagely against my heels. Blisters formed. "That's not good," I thought.

 

So I took the shoes to get professionally stretched (more on this below). Paid $20, and went to pick them up one week later. Sometimes this intervention works! I wanted them to fit. 

 

But it didn't work this time. To continue to wear these shoes would perpetually blister my heels. I couldn't walk normal while wearing those shoes. So they don't work for me.

 

This can also apply to relationships. Someone may -- at first impression -- look as though they have what you look for in a companion.

 

Similar values? YES.

Easy to talk with? YES. 

Easy on the eyes? YES.

Interested in you? YES. 

 

So you settle in to a relationship. 

It's cool at first, or maybe even for awhile. 

But eventually, cracks start to show. The friction starts to cause some blisters.

 

They almost always resist accepting any blame for how they contributed to a problem. Or they expect you to read their mind to detect what's bothering them, instead of them just verbalizing their perceptions. Or they're often inconsiderate of your time and commitments. Or they continually cancel last-minute. Or they're slow to de-prioritize contact with previous relationship partners. Or they treat your stuff they borrow (clothes, a car, technology) with a lack of care. Or they constantly push your stated boundaries. Or you end up getting dragged into much arguing over inconsequential, little things.

And maybe you've heard that relationships take hard work, and you think "Well, learning to accept with this sort of behavior could be part of what it means that relationships can be hard work, I guess."

 

Perhaps. 

 

But another principle exists when it comes to dating: you will get what you tolerate. 

 

If there's some way your partner tends to responds to you or treats you that doesn't sit well with you, it's wise to address it early (and by 'address it', I mean initiating a talk with the other person where you're respectful, clear, and proportional to the situation). Otherwise, the pattern will continue. A weed left alone continues to grow in a garden. A shoe too tight on a foot continues to blister.

 

This doesn't necessarily mean ending the relationship with the person over these issues. Nor does it mean making an issue out of every annoyance. But it does mean being clear about addressing problematic patterns of relating.

 

The nice part about respectfully, consistently standing up for yourself is that it helps you repel selfish people. It also motivates inattentive, poorly-disciplined people to grow in consideration for others.

There's a version of you that's both your best and your most truthful. It's the version of you that shows itself when you're in the places and around the people where you feel safest. And there's a way that the people that love you the most influence you to be a better person while also genuinely, unconditionally enjoying who you are in the present. You basically want that sort of vibe in a relationship too -- someone who wants you as you are, and who wants to help you grow but they're not necessarily the teacher.

 

(And, don't be someone you're not to gain someone's love. More on that at another time.)

 

I tried on another pair of shoes that I liked. 

 

They didn't fit quite right either. 

 

I considered my options, then purchased sole inserts to see if that'd alleviate the problem. It did! Now I can walk in them without issue. A chance to adapt worked out nicely. This too can apply to relationships.

  

 

 

How to Stretch Shoes for a Perfect Fit 

 

lover & friends, inc.

Balancing friends and relationships.

It feels like a foolish balance to try to get perfect. But it's an eminently wise balance to aim for anyways.

Let me spin a story: Caleb got into a situationship/relationship with Stevie his second semester in college. He was overjoyed to be with her. They spent much time together, studying together after class, watching movies in his dorm room, hanging out with her best friend/roommate.

Yet in time, Caleb began to miss hanging out with his buddies Reggie, Amanda, and Mark. They'd met earlier in life, running cross-country and working together at an ice cream store during their summers. They stayed in touch by running together 2-3 evenings a week, for about an hour and a half or so. Joseph started skipping some of those runs to spend time with Stevie. He missed those runs. So, he began running again with his friends, letting Stevie know the regular schedule.

Stevie didn't run. Nor did she take that well to Caleb spending time away from her. It wasn't as though she actively asserted her displeasure. But her muted demeanor, the non-verbal cues, and noticeably longer time she waited before replying to his texts seemed to communicate plenty.

From Stevie's perspective, it was true: she didn't like Caleb spending time with his friends instead of with her. This maybe stemmed from how a previous boyfriend had cheated on her with one of his friends. So her unease has a plausible source. Stevie wasn't schooled enough in sussing out her emotions to articulate this to Caleb, however (most college students aren't, so she wasn't behind the curve or anything). She also just liked spending time with her boyfriend.

Caleb felt stuck. He acutely picked up Stevie's unspoken vibes. He knew that she didn't like how he spent time with his friends, instead of with her. But he didn't know how to bring it up, or how to resolve this. He just knew that whenever he chose to run, he could expect a more chilled, I'm-not-cool-with-this reaction to emanate his way from Stevie.

What to do? Maybe this sounds like a situation you've experienced, except it's Caleb who's wanting his partner all to himself. Or maybe you're in it now. Or maybe you're the one who's possessive of your partner's time, to this degree.

Some thoughts, as someone who's found myself on both sides of this dilemma:

-You cannot fully meet your partner's need for friendship and community. Your partner will need more than you in their life. This is good news for them, and for you. There's only so much one person can shoulder the load for another. Many hands make lighter burdens. Encourage your partner's friendships.

-It's understandable, and awful, how a past relationship can reroute your partner's anxieties in this direction toward wanting to keep you forever close by. That being said, it's unfair to expect you to relate to your partner within the warped margins that someone else created for them.

-This above point should be asserted respectfully and clearly.

-Share your location from your phone with your partner? That's up to you. I'd suggest treating this as a privilege that you choose to share with someone however you see fit, rather than a right that they can expect or demand of you.

-The healthiest relationships (marriages, friends, dating) are those where the person has several friends to lean upon, in addition to you. The Bible makes many mentions of the wisdom of having friends, mentors, advisors. "Without counsel plans fail, but with many advisors they succeed." -Proverbs 15:22.

-Friends with someone the same gender as your partner? This depends on the relationship, and how each person is willing to compromise and relate. A dear friend of mine (Nathan) has been married to his wife for close to 15 years. Nathan has no other female friends. This also does not bother him, in the slightest. It's something his wife isn't comfortable with, he finds that to be reasonable, so it's a non-issue for him.

Another friend of mine, Tony, is married to Carrie. Tony has a few female friends as well that he keeps up with on an intermittent basis. 

The crucial aspects that help this work smoothly for Carrie and for Tony: 

1) Tony never, ever complains about Carrie to these friends -- he saves that for his male friends, or for Carrie's family (pro tip: if you want to complain about your partner, always choose to complain to your partner's parents/siblings rather than your own. Your partner's parents will understand better, but your family may have more trouble letting it go).

2) Carrie is aware that he keeps up with these people, and shows no uneasiness about it. 

3) He doesn't really share anything with these friends that he wouldn't share with Carrie, or hasn't already shared first with her. 

4) These female friends understand that they are a lower priority to Tony than his wife, and support him in that. Carrie also knows and experiences that she's a higher priority to Tony than his friends are.

5) These female friends all have known Tony longer than Carrie has.

6) These female friends also appreciate Carrie. They have no issues spending time around her and him, and overall view Tony's wife as a new friend they enjoy interacting with whenever possible.

Dating relationships probably should aim to mirror this sort of vibe of a marriage. It's healthy to have friends in addition to a partner. Someone who shows little to no growth in recognizing this, and still sends possessive vibes, will probably not change all that much with time. So consider a future with them with eyes wide open that the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

Don't be someone you're not just to gain someone's love. Otherwise, they're not loving you, but rather the role you're choosing to take on. That never works.

divine discontent

"Being single is a gift from God." 

Oh, this phrase pissed me off whenever I heard it. 

If this is true (a point I won't entirely concede): as a college student and then as a young adult, I reacted to this axiom as a young kid might react to receiving clothes as a birthday present: technically useful, and yes, technically a gift.

But let's be honest: Not all "gifts" elicit the same joyful gratitude, for good reason. 

When and where this gift of singleness can become tiresome:

-When the slow songs start at the formals, the dances, the weddings. That's when some of you head for the bathroom (or outside, or to the bar, or anywhere else but on the dance floor).

-Walking on campus or down a sidewalk ... seeing couples walking together, holding hands, or happily chatting with one another.

-Nights and weekends. Somehow, any loneliness experienced during these times distinctly agitated my heart and inner monologue.

-Holidays. Especially holidays that involve seeing family and loved ones. Arbor Day is probably OK though (unless you're crushing on a horticulturist).

-National Boyfriend/Girlfriend Day on social media.

-Third-wheeling it with the friend who seems to always be dating someone, or is in a situationship that's looking solid.

-Engagement parties for friends.

-Valentine's Day. Enough said.

-Hearing about someone's situationship, and wondering when (or if) someone will ask you out. 

To be fair, I did not acutely feel this ache of singleness all the time, every day.

Some weeks and months felt easier.

Other weeks and months felt harder.

Different people will offer different perspectives on this, many no doubt wiser than mine. So please take my words alongside those of others in your life whom you trust.

As a young person who didn't always enjoy being single, what did it often feel like?

It felt like I had more capability as a person than I could show. Wanting an opportunity. It was as though I knew I could run faster than what my shoes could sustain, if only given a chance. A divine discontent stuck with me -- sometimes quieter, sometimes louder.

I say 'divine' discontent because it felt like my discontent was part of how God created me. I wanted what I felt built to do -- to love someone with my whole heart.

To be all in.

To be known fully and fully loved, anyway. 

To have inside jokes and quirky backstories.

To be my actual weird self, and have someone say 'Yep -- that's what I'm looking for.'

Waiting, praying, and hoping for that slowly got easier (emphasis on s l o w l y). 

 

In the meantime, my unofficial mindset became: "I might as well keep busy, have fun, learn new stuff, stay grounded in my faith, and do meaningful work while I hope and pray for this."

 

If I met my future wife along the way? Splendid. If I met a bunch of cool people who brought much joy to my life by their presence and antics? Also splendid.

Being single included bountiful amounts of joy. Friends, trips, experiences, concerts, relationships, learning, laughing. My joy co-existed alongside this divine discontent of wanting. The waiting commingled hope and exasperation to varying degrees -- wondering when, how, and who.

Life was good, and I hoped for more. Both of these facts stayed true.

Is it possible to be single & happy? 

 

Absolutely! Our lives teem with examples around us every day that shout this truth.

 

The happiness will surge, and will fall back, like the tide. So take wholesome advantage of when you can contentedly build a sandcastle or dig for seashells. Eventually, the tide will surge again, and wash it out.

 

 

It can stink to watch the tide take away your sandcastle. There's no getting around that. 

 

And yet ... there'll be more chances to build new castles, find new seashells, and to see another shoreline sunset and sunrise.

 

 

 

Useful Reading:

Boundaries in Dating by Cloud & Townsend (Link here)