lover & friends, inc.

Balancing friends and relationships.

It feels like a foolish balance to try to get perfect. But it's an eminently wise balance to aim for anyways.

Let me spin a story: Caleb got into a situationship/relationship with Stevie his second semester in college. He was overjoyed to be with her. They spent much time together, studying together after class, watching movies in his dorm room, hanging out with her best friend/roommate.

Yet in time, Caleb began to miss hanging out with his buddies Reggie, Amanda, and Mark. They'd met earlier in life, running cross-country and working together at an ice cream store during their summers. They stayed in touch by running together 2-3 evenings a week, for about an hour and a half or so. Joseph started skipping some of those runs to spend time with Stevie. He missed those runs. So, he began running again with his friends, letting Stevie know the regular schedule.

Stevie didn't run. Nor did she take that well to Caleb spending time away from her. It wasn't as though she actively asserted her displeasure. But her muted demeanor, the non-verbal cues, and noticeably longer time she waited before replying to his texts seemed to communicate plenty.

From Stevie's perspective, it was true: she didn't like Caleb spending time with his friends instead of with her. This maybe stemmed from how a previous boyfriend had cheated on her with one of his friends. So her unease has a plausible source. Stevie wasn't schooled enough in sussing out her emotions to articulate this to Caleb, however (most college students aren't, so she wasn't behind the curve or anything). She also just liked spending time with her boyfriend.

Caleb felt stuck. He acutely picked up Stevie's unspoken vibes. He knew that she didn't like how he spent time with his friends, instead of with her. But he didn't know how to bring it up, or how to resolve this. He just knew that whenever he chose to run, he could expect a more chilled, I'm-not-cool-with-this reaction to emanate his way from Stevie.

What to do? Maybe this sounds like a situation you've experienced, except it's Caleb who's wanting his partner all to himself. Or maybe you're in it now. Or maybe you're the one who's possessive of your partner's time, to this degree.

Some thoughts, as someone who's found myself on both sides of this dilemma:

-You cannot fully meet your partner's need for friendship and community. Your partner will need more than you in their life. This is good news for them, and for you. There's only so much one person can shoulder the load for another. Many hands make lighter burdens. Encourage your partner's friendships.

-It's understandable, and awful, how a past relationship can reroute your partner's anxieties in this direction toward wanting to keep you forever close by. That being said, it's unfair to expect you to relate to your partner within the warped margins that someone else created for them.

-This above point should be asserted respectfully and clearly.

-Share your location from your phone with your partner? That's up to you. I'd suggest treating this as a privilege that you choose to share with someone however you see fit, rather than a right that they can expect or demand of you.

-The healthiest relationships (marriages, friends, dating) are those where the person has several friends to lean upon, in addition to you. The Bible makes many mentions of the wisdom of having friends, mentors, advisors. "Without counsel plans fail, but with many advisors they succeed." -Proverbs 15:22.

-Friends with someone the same gender as your partner? This depends on the relationship, and how each person is willing to compromise and relate. A dear friend of mine (Nathan) has been married to his wife for close to 15 years. Nathan has no other female friends. This also does not bother him, in the slightest. It's something his wife isn't comfortable with, he finds that to be reasonable, so it's a non-issue for him.

Another friend of mine, Tony, is married to Carrie. Tony has a few female friends as well that he keeps up with on an intermittent basis. 

The crucial aspects that help this work smoothly for Carrie and for Tony: 

1) Tony never, ever complains about Carrie to these friends -- he saves that for his male friends, or for Carrie's family (pro tip: if you want to complain about your partner, always choose to complain to your partner's parents/siblings rather than your own. Your partner's parents will understand better, but your family may have more trouble letting it go).

2) Carrie is aware that he keeps up with these people, and shows no uneasiness about it. 

3) He doesn't really share anything with these friends that he wouldn't share with Carrie, or hasn't already shared first with her. 

4) These female friends understand that they are a lower priority to Tony than his wife, and support him in that. Carrie also knows and experiences that she's a higher priority to Tony than his friends are.

5) These female friends all have known Tony longer than Carrie has.

6) These female friends also appreciate Carrie. They have no issues spending time around her and him, and overall view Tony's wife as a new friend they enjoy interacting with whenever possible.

Dating relationships probably should aim to mirror this sort of vibe of a marriage. It's healthy to have friends in addition to a partner. Someone who shows little to no growth in recognizing this, and still sends possessive vibes, will probably not change all that much with time. So consider a future with them with eyes wide open that the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

Don't be someone you're not just to gain someone's love. Otherwise, they're not loving you, but rather the role you're choosing to take on. That never works.