a la carté kills

How I learned a valuable lesson about self-respect, dating, and relationships.

When I was in college, this girl and I developed a friendship that, through time and conversations, became more. Talking with her on the phone once or twice a week morphed into talking on the phone every single night (pre-text messaging).

Texting on these phones took commitment.

 

We lived in different cities, but within easy driving distance. We'd confide about our life hopes, dreams, funny stories, day-to-day details, worries. We'd known each other for years, knew we had similar values and beliefs. We became each others closest emotional supports.

 

It didn't take much for my heart to want more. She told me I was the best, someone she could trust ... someone she loved. "Wow," I thought. "This seems so good!

 

And it was so good ... save for one detail. One singular detail.

She had a boyfriend.

Of him she spoke some.

 

What she did share with me: she knew they could never work out long-term. He wasn't much for meaningful conversation. He wasn't what she sought for her future. How she had all this time to talk with me while literally dating someone else, I couldn't figure. This unspoken question rattled around my skull: "then whyyyyy are you still with him?" In my uncertainty, I never asked this question. 

 

I reasoned that if I showed myself to be an obvious step up, that she'd ditch her boyfriend.  Then, we could continue what we'd started.

 

So I kept on, allowing myself to grow closer. Talking, sharing life, sharing laughs, sharing dreams. We poured more of our hearts out onto one another. I did my best to ignore the pesky "one detail" (which annoyingly remained a detail). Sooner ... or later, I reasoned, she'd end it with him if I kept sharing pieces of my time, energy, my heart.

How could I have believed this would work? Contrary to the saying, I do not think hindsight is always 20/20 ... but hindsight can offer clarity and perspective that wasn't visible at the time.

Thank God for friends who love us enough to tell us the truth.

 

Thank God for friends who love us enough to say hard truths we must hear.

 

My best friend Matt's wife was (and is) wise beyond her years. In talking with them about this girl and situation, and my hopes for how this would work out, she leveled me with a perspective I hadn't yet heard.

"You are a la carté-ing yourself," she told me. "You should not do this. You're gonna get hurt."

"A la carté-ing ... myself?? What does that mean?" I thought.

 

I knew what 'a la carté' meant: it's a term often heard at restaurants. It refers to a menu or list of items that can be ordered separately, rather than altogether. I hadn't yet heard it about dating, or relationships.

 

"Here's what I mean," she replied. "Right now, you're offering pieces of yourself, in hopes that she'll end up wanting more. But that's not how it should be. God made us to be loved completely, not piecemeal. None of us as whole people are ever too much for one person. Someone should either get all of you, or none of you. That's self-respect. As it stands, she's got you for emotional support and camaraderie, but then there's this boyfriend who's somehow still around. Why would she commit to wanting all of you, and ditching this other dude, if you're available a la carté? Don't devalue yourself, do not a la carté yourself. Connection without commitment is not stable, and you're gonna get hurt."

 

This perspective changed my life, y'all. I'd never heard this from the vantage point of standing up for myself and my worth in an appropriate, respectful, and resolute manner.

It's been more than two decades since I heard this. I share this wisdom a few times a year with people in similar scenarios, and it's absolutely right. If it's true for me, it's gotta be true for you as well.

Don't offer a la carté versions of yourself when it comes to dating relationships.

You're worth way more than that.