further up and further in

As a kid growing up with a much older brother, I lost a lot of games playing against him. Baseball. Basketball. Checkers. Video games. Street races. Ping-pong (especially ping-pong).

For years, I'd lose. And lose again. And lose some more.  

"Why can't I be as good as him?" I'd think. The obvious answer was that he was older, farther along in development as a person. 

Truth is, when we compare ourselves to others in any area of life, it gets challenging. This also happens when it comes to faith. 

We look at other people's relationship with God, and then we look at our own. And sometimes we can't help but think 'I don't feel like I have the same sort of relationship with God that they do.' And you think this in a way that leaves you wishing your relationship with God was different. Was more. Was more vibrant, more connected, more everything. More like theirs. 

So let's unpack.

Truth #1: We're meant to pursue God and our relationship with God with others, in community (Heb. 10:25). It's essential. So avoiding all comparisons by avoiding all people can't be the way to go (sorry, introverts!). 

Truth #2: Comparison is the thief of our joy?  Sometimes. This can drag on our countenance. By constantly wondering why our relationship with God isn't like others, we can easily overlook the fact that God relates to us uniquely.

Case in point: In John 21, Jesus tells the apostle Peter about Peter's own future. Peter then (referring to John the apostle) asks Jesus, "Lord, what about this man?” Jesus said to Peter, “If it is my will that he remain until I come, what is that to you? You follow me!” So this isn't just a comparison we're prone to make. The disciples did this too. Jesus lovingly redirects Peter's attention: 

"You follow me."

Truth #3: Comparison can't just be the thief of joy. It can also be the thief of complacency. And this can be a backhanded lift to our countenance.

It's a fact of life that if you want to improve at any task, you put yourself in the company of people who are better than you at that task, and know what you don't (yet) know. 

If I want to improve at tennis, I play tennis against people better than me. If I want to improve at singing, I sing with voices more developed than my own. It's a well-tested way to truly improve. 

So observing someone's relationship with God, and thinking 'I wish I had that' can help motivate us to know God more like that person knows God. We're meant to grow with God by watching others (1 Corinthians 11:1).

First, we should check our perceptions. Comparing what we feel inside vs what we perceive on the outside about others is rarely a fair comparison. Knowing more about that person will help our comparing be more fair to ourselves.

Second, we sometimes learn how to love something by observing others. An older sister with a new younger sister learns how to hold the baby by watching how her parents hold the baby. A guitar player learns how to care for their instrument by watching a more accomplished player take care of their guitar.

"Sometimes you have to watch somebody love something before you can love it yourself. It is as if they are showing you the way." -Donald Miller, Blue Like Jazz.

Do others have a relationship with God that we'd like to emulate? Certainly hope so. Are we meant to motivate one another to seek the Lord? Absolutely. The funky thing is that pursuing a better, closer relationship with God might not make you more like someone else. It'll more likely make you a stronger, healthier, more vibrant version of yourself.

the silence of God

The silence of God can unnerve, agitate. You ask God about something, and you wait for an answer.

It's the prayer screamed against a mirror that's fogged with our frustrated breath. It echoes, but no reply. The room is still. 

It's the fading ambulance siren as it drives away with a shattered dream. Now what? What now, Lord??

Why would God ever be silent when we call? 

There's this story about Jesus. The apostle Thomas (unfairly nicknamed 'doubting Thomas')  hears from the others that the risen Lord visited them, and he says, 'Unless I see in his hands the mark of the nails, and place my finger into the mark of the nails, and place my hand into his side, I will never believe' (John 20:25).

A bold statement. A not-unfair statement. He's calling Jesus out.

The next verse (John 20:26): "Eight days later, his disciples were inside again, and Thomas was with them ... [and] Jesus came and stood among them and said, 'Peace be with you.' Jesus proceeds to respond to, and reply to, Thomas' confusion.

I've read this passage more than once. The perplexing part of this verse (for me) always sits in the first three words:

Eight. Days. Later. 

For Thomas, eight days of silence from God.

Imagine playing a game of tag in a pool. You call out 'Marco!' -- only for someone to reply eight ... days ... later ... with 'Polo.'

Imagine leaving the most crucial voice mail, or sending the most important text message of your life, to someone important to you -- and hearing nothing back in the first hour. You wait one hour for the reply text. The call back. The news about the diagnosis. The job opportunity. The grade. The relationship. The future plan. The news.

 

Then it becomes eight hours of waiting. Then, you fall asleep waiting for a reply to ping your phone. 

 

You wake up the next morning and check -- no notifications.

One day of waiting becomes two. 

 Why have they not yet replied? Your imagination and nerves imagine every worst-case scenario. You wear yourself out with worry. You cry. You scream. You feel numb at times. You try to stay strong. You can't eat. Your sleep suffers. For seven days.

But then let's flip it. 

Say you've known someone for years. The waters of your friendship run deep. These years and the history have built in you both a certainty that you matter to one another.

So when there's a delay in responding, you don't sweat. "My friend won't let me down," you say. "If I haven't heard back, it has to be for a good reason. They'll respond to me when they can." And your friend does get back to you. The silence becomes evidence of a trust, a relationship deep enough to not require instant responses, instant soothing, automatic replies, realtime responses.

What's this built on? 

Trust.

Could it be that God trusts you with the silence? Could it be that's God's trying to show you how to trust him more deeply? There's a point -- in every friendship, every relationship, every collaboration -- where the trust gets stretched just a bit more, so that it can handle more.

It's when you've waited a few days to hear back from someone -- but you don't fret -- because you've waited longer for them before, and they've come through. When you loan a friend some money, and you've never loaned them money before ... and then they do pay you back in a reasonable time.

We trust, and give grace to, the silences we experience with our dearest loved ones and friends.

So what can we infer from the daunting, unnerving silence of God? I guess that question has multiple possible answers. Ergo, one possible answer is this: it's possible that God's trusting you with silence because God trusts you, wants that sort of connection with you, that you're able to handle the waiting.

Anyway, as you wait in your silence, give this some consideration.

looking for love? check your friend zone

"I could never be attracted to her like that," you think. "We're just friends."

Maybe.

"He's like a brother to me," you say to yourself. "No way I could think of him as anything more."

Are ya sure?

Let's (at least) admit this: many of y'all regularly use an ad-hoc, 

...unevenly applied and followed, 

...never-completely-verbalized, 

...always-in-edit-mode criteria 

for what sort of person you want to be with (or not be with). It shifts like a breeze on a spring day.

Please don't hear what I'm not saying: I'm not saying that's an unreasonable thing to do.

What I am saying: your criteria for who gets 'friend zoned' also shifts with time, and experiences.

[a Friend Zone Description: a friendship between two people in which one of the persons has an attraction to the other that's not presently reciprocated]

Ergo, it's not inconceivable that someone in your 'friend zone' might respectfully desire more, hope for more. It's also not inconceivable that while they fit the friend zone just fine when you met, maybe they have more to offer. 

That was then, this is now. 

Ideally, you get wiser with time.

To put it another way: you would not want to be with someone you wouldn't also be friends with. So an overlap of friendship and romantic love already makes sense. And yes: attraction, sexuality, romance, etc are -- within a proper context -- all great blessings from God. But if this lacks a foundation of respect and a lasting friendship, something's wrong.

Infatuation, having a crush, situationship(s), "what-are-we" chats, and 'catching feelings' usually involves heaps of adrenaline-laced anxiety.

But, we can mistakenly think this: if we enjoy someone's company, but being around them lacks that boost of octane adrenaline, that's not someone for us. Yet we also should feel safe in relationships. This feeling would correlate to lower anxiety. So don't brush off a lack of, or more subdued feeling of, 'butterflies in the stomach' or palpable 'rizz.'

This world absolutely brims with happy, thriving couples who were friends first. 

And at some point, one of them probably thought, 'This is someone I want to be with' while the other person initially said, 'No way this would ever be anything more.' Dear reader, I personally know many couples who started out this way. Heck, I'm one of them too.

So what am I saying?

I'm not saying you were wrong to categorize someone as "just" a friend, and nothing more. I'm just saying it's wise to occasionally re-evaluate these decisions.

Looking for love? Check your friend zone. Check it like you check your blind spot while driving.

Try to look at someone in a different light. See if there's anything more to see. Maybe you'll still be just friends. But it's at least worth considering.

If you enjoy spending time with someone, and they have character qualities that you respect and want to be around, that's a foundation for a healthy friendship. Bonus: it also happens to be a foundation for a healthy relationship.

Sometimes, we discover the best treasures are right next to us the entire time.

Book to read for further contemplation:

-Boundaries in Dating (by Cloud & Townsend), chapter 7: "Don't Fall In Love With Someone You Wouldn't Be Friends With"

friends with an ex

"Of course we can still be friends." The last gasp of a dating relationship/situationship, etc.

Is trying to salvage a friendship worth your time? In time, maybe. Not always, though

Is it realistic? Well, that depends--

Is it just something nice that's said to show politeness? Usually. 

A few matters about this to point out, in no particular order (Dear Reader: please note, these principles and useful tips I've learned myself, usually the hard way -- happy to discuss further in person, as usual).

a) It's grueling to try to stay friends immediately after a breakup. Try to salvage a friendship -- not right away -- but way, way later. A wise rule of thumb: restoring a friendship cannot really start until the person most hurt and/or surprised by the breakup feels ready to do so.

b) Whether you're doing the breaking up, or being broken up with, no one can demand friendship. By friendship, I mean the effort to keep connection and to share life with another. Friendship is friendship because it's freely exchanged. So if you do not want to be friends, that's acceptable. The other person doesn't have to agree.

b) If you hope this 'let's stay friends' sentiment will lead you to someday get back together, please note: that's a harrowing place for your heart to perch and to wait. Don't let your hopes wander too far out onto that branch.

c) One (or both) of y'all will need quality time ... apart. No contact, don't reach out, social media unfollowing/ muting, stay away from where they frequent, no spending time together --- these are all wise steps to take. It often compares to weaning yourself off an addiction. So go your own way (and call it another lonely day).

d) Friends with benefits: an awful, counterproductive, dignity-marring, heart-damaging, dumb idea. Please don't do it. You deserve so much better. Part of reminding yourself of the truth (that you deserve better) is to steadfastly stay far, far, far away from whatever could never co-exist with that truth.

e) You will feel some pangs -- of desire, angst, or heartache -- when you see your ex. 

Ouch. 

A best friend of mine taught me that this does NOT mean we still want to be with them. It usually happens because we've trained ourselves to respond a certain way when we see that person. Ergo, it takes time to undo our conditioned response, and to think of them differently. 

Give yourself that time.

e) The first few times of being around an ex will feel weird and clumsy. That's normal.

f) If you want to work toward being friends, do yourself a favor: do not ask them if they're dating or in a situationship with anyone. You don't need to know. This is tea you need not try to spill.

g) We all suffer through moments when our emotions ping around our brains at hyper-speed ... when we can't resist believing every absurd-anxious, half-baked thought we have about how we suck, and how no one could ever really love us. 

"Oh, that's not just me?!?" you may think. 

It's not.

Your brain will entertain this crooked frame of thinking at times. It sucks. And it won't last. But, to get your head straight, you'll need to talk it out. With a friend.

When your perspective warps in this way, try your level best to not seek support from your ex (nor from any of your ex's friends). Fall apart and piece yourself back together in a place, and with people, loyal to you ... safe for you ... relatively uncomplicated for you ... who won't gossip about you.

i) Pro Tip: If, soon after the breakup, you're with a group of people, and the other person is also there or will be there, try to arrive first. This way, you can find people to interact with who will keep your attention occupied and talking about anything else.

j) Pro Tip #2: If you're with a group of people, and the other person is there ... leaving too early > staying too long. Plan your exit. Leave when you plan to leave. Be concise and cheerily bland with saying goodbye to the group, and get out.

k) If the ex sends a message/calls/sends a notification ... don't respond until about a full day later, at minimum. It's not mean. It's wise. 

This particularly holds true for messages received say between 10:32AM-3:47AM). In a word: everyone is dumber in the later evening hours. Everyone is less mentally/emotionally sharp after midnight. You are too.

Eventually, keeping a friendship with an ex does become easier. You may not stay in touch with this person all your life. But it can get to a place where -- if you see each other somewhere -- it can be cordial. Respectful. Not a big deal.

And ... in time ... if being friends works well, you might become some version of an unproblematic ex for them. Someone trusted. You become someone your ex wouldn't mind introducing to their current partner, or future spouse. You can be in the same space, it isn't weird, it doesn't get physical, and you're content.

That's a sweet place to be. But it takes time. It takes effort, and boundaries. It takes grace, and it takes forgiveness to get there.