fight the potatoes

I once left some potatoes alone in my kitchen cabinet for too long. I'd bought them -- intending to cook and eat them -- but then forgot. While traveling out of town, I belatedly, anxiously remembered that I'd purchased these spuds. Fear began to creep in. I'd heard what potatoes do when left alone too long...

They sprout, they grow, they start to look like some alien-Muppet hybrid dream freak show. Moisture and darkness helps this process along.

 

Envisioning the jungle that awaited me at home, my imagination fomented a maze of vines throughout my kitchen. Vines! Vines scuttling into my sink drain, wrapping 'round my microwave, climbing the walls. Vines, I tell you.

Well, I finally returned home. After I dropped my bags to the floor and braced myself, I flung open the cabinet door. It was time to assess, and to face, my impending garish potato nightmare.

And ... it wasn't that bad. At all. A few potatoes did sprout some aux cord thick-size vines. But the potatoes still felt firm to the touch, which meant they were fine to eat. Otherwise, they looked the same. What my anxiety imagined proved quite inaccurate when compared to reality. When the reality met what I imagined, my imagination's fables withered.

You see, something shifts -- for our good -- when we confront out loud our fears and worries. This is why we're encouraged us to pray to the Lord, particularly in times of trouble; the literal forcing our anxieties to endure being spoken changes it (this is not all that prayer accomplishes, but it's a part of it). Actually, it changes us. We've known this for centuries, and science sheds light on why and how this helps us.

"Cast your burden upon the Lord, and he will sustain you" -Psalm 55:22

When we keep a fear bottled, under wraps ... we lose perspective on its size, and its capabilities. We overestimate its power.

You know this from experience.

When an anxious thought loops in your brain, it gathers anxiety momentum in its orbit. Pretty soon, the class you're not doing so well in becomes a thought that you'll flunk out of college, and then life as you know it is irrevocably swept away. Pretty soon, the crush who takes longer than usual to reply via text becomes a loop of your anxiety whispering to you that you're perpetually unlovable. Lies! All lies. But sometimes, lies can be hard to resist and disbelieve.

So speak it out loud. When it starts to loop again, speak it out loud, again. We must 'cast', and keep 'casting.' ESPECIALLY the stuff that, once you say it out loud, you know will sound ridiculous because it's so untethered from reality. Gird yourself to fight those potatoes of fear (yes, I know, it's an odd phrase that won't catch on), and then happily embrace the surprise that once you square up to those spuds of anxiety, you feel better. Say the words to someone you trust. Speak the prayer to God. It can be stream of consciousness, inarticulate, random, angry. God does not copy-edit our prayers for grammar, punctuation, or style.

hoarding happiness

I remember, as a kid, learning how to water ski. 

My grandma, who regularly skied until she was 77 years old, schooled me on skiing's finer points. Crouch in the water. Rope between my legs. Hands holding the handle. Knees bent, skis slightly pointed inward. Give the signal to the boat that we could go. Surge and yank of horsepower. Don't pull the rope, let the rope pull me. Keep my weight slightly forward. Stay within the boat wake. If I wanted to tail left, push more onto my left foot. Go right, lean more on my right foot. 

What my grandma didn't clue me in about, however, was my favorite part. The delicious force of wind in my face; the restful, serene view of the passing shoreline; the soothing, arhythmic beat of the waves thumping under the skis -- THIS is my favorite part of skiing. The sensory revelry. The time on the skis; the act of skiing. It stirs my heart to leap for joy in my chest to ski.

Of course, I gotta keep to the fundamentals of skiing. Skies slightly pointed inward, watching the water, watching for other boats. Watching for when the boat (usually driven by my mischievous older brother) will circle twice and then steer through that wake. This is because my brother loves to see if I can manage skiing through that absurd chop of his stirred-up waves (usually, I fall).

It bothered me that I couldn't fully absorb the thrill of skiing, because I had to work hard to make sure I didn't fall off the skis. "I'm missing the moment!" I'd worriedly berate to myself. It takes a lot of time to fully live in any moment. It starts to feel rushed. I know I'm not taking in as much as I could.

What is this experience for you? What wholesome joy of yours do you fret will slip through your fingers too fast? What good thing tempts your heart to hoard it? 

It's taken time for me to relax about feeling rushed through life's happy times. Most of what motivated my angst was this: I carried an untested belief that a happy time such as this might never come again for me. So I felt like I must maximize how much I treasured THIS happy moment. I had to slow it down, absorb by osmosis as much as possible. I needed to hoard it, seal it in Tupperware, make sure it lasts as long as it can.

But that's folly.

It's possible: the exact same happy time may never come again. Yet different, equally happy, equally glorious moments thump through life at an arhythmic pace. Don't they for you too? A great talk with a friend. A delicious meal. A solid grade on a tough exam. A concert. A time of prayer. 

They show up like a wave to a shore, and then recede right back out. I can't catch the wave and keep it to myself. It'd be folly to try. But another wave always comes in. This helps me refrain from trying to hoard happy times. Like sad times, other happy times will come. I don't know when, or how, or in what way. But they will.

I haven't skied in years. I miss that rush of wind. I would love to feel that pull of a ski rope again. Maybe I will, maybe I won't. If I do, I'll probably feel like it went by too fast. But other joys remain, happy times I've yet to imagine or even know existed. It's the same for you.

Grace and peace to you on this day, dearly beloved--

"I have seen the business that God has given to the children of man to be busy with. He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, he has put eternity into man's heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end. I perceived that there is nothing better for them than to be joyful and to do good as long as they live ... " -Ecclesiastes 3:9-12

lover & friends, inc.

Balancing friends and relationships.

It feels like a foolish balance to try to get perfect. But it's an eminently wise balance to aim for anyways.

Let me spin a story: Caleb got into a situationship/relationship with Stevie his second semester in college. He was overjoyed to be with her. They spent much time together, studying together after class, watching movies in his dorm room, hanging out with her best friend/roommate.

Yet in time, Caleb began to miss hanging out with his buddies Reggie, Amanda, and Mark. They'd met earlier in life, running cross-country and working together at an ice cream store during their summers. They stayed in touch by running together 2-3 evenings a week, for about an hour and a half or so. Joseph started skipping some of those runs to spend time with Stevie. He missed those runs. So, he began running again with his friends, letting Stevie know the regular schedule.

Stevie didn't run. Nor did she take that well to Caleb spending time away from her. It wasn't as though she actively asserted her displeasure. But her muted demeanor, the non-verbal cues, and noticeably longer time she waited before replying to his texts seemed to communicate plenty.

From Stevie's perspective, it was true: she didn't like Caleb spending time with his friends instead of with her. This maybe stemmed from how a previous boyfriend had cheated on her with one of his friends. So her unease has a plausible source. Stevie wasn't schooled enough in sussing out her emotions to articulate this to Caleb, however (most college students aren't, so she wasn't behind the curve or anything). She also just liked spending time with her boyfriend.

Caleb felt stuck. He acutely picked up Stevie's unspoken vibes. He knew that she didn't like how he spent time with his friends, instead of with her. But he didn't know how to bring it up, or how to resolve this. He just knew that whenever he chose to run, he could expect a more chilled, I'm-not-cool-with-this reaction to emanate his way from Stevie.

What to do? Maybe this sounds like a situation you've experienced, except it's Caleb who's wanting his partner all to himself. Or maybe you're in it now. Or maybe you're the one who's possessive of your partner's time, to this degree.

Some thoughts, as someone who's found myself on both sides of this dilemma:

-You cannot fully meet your partner's need for friendship and community. Your partner will need more than you in their life. This is good news for them, and for you. There's only so much one person can shoulder the load for another. Many hands make lighter burdens. Encourage your partner's friendships.

-It's understandable, and awful, how a past relationship can reroute your partner's anxieties in this direction toward wanting to keep you forever close by. That being said, it's unfair to expect you to relate to your partner within the warped margins that someone else created for them.

-This above point should be asserted respectfully and clearly.

-Share your location from your phone with your partner? That's up to you. I'd suggest treating this as a privilege that you choose to share with someone however you see fit, rather than a right that they can expect or demand of you.

-The healthiest relationships (marriages, friends, dating) are those where the person has several friends to lean upon, in addition to you. The Bible makes many mentions of the wisdom of having friends, mentors, advisors. "Without counsel plans fail, but with many advisors they succeed." -Proverbs 15:22.

-Friends with someone the same gender as your partner? This depends on the relationship, and how each person is willing to compromise and relate. A dear friend of mine (Nathan) has been married to his wife for close to 15 years. Nathan has no other female friends. This also does not bother him, in the slightest. It's something his wife isn't comfortable with, he finds that to be reasonable, so it's a non-issue for him.

Another friend of mine, Tony, is married to Carrie. Tony has a few female friends as well that he keeps up with on an intermittent basis. 

The crucial aspects that help this work smoothly for Carrie and for Tony: 

1) Tony never, ever complains about Carrie to these friends -- he saves that for his male friends, or for Carrie's family (pro tip: if you want to complain about your partner, always choose to complain to your partner's parents/siblings rather than your own. Your partner's parents will understand better, but your family may have more trouble letting it go).

2) Carrie is aware that he keeps up with these people, and shows no uneasiness about it. 

3) He doesn't really share anything with these friends that he wouldn't share with Carrie, or hasn't already shared first with her. 

4) These female friends understand that they are a lower priority to Tony than his wife, and support him in that. Carrie also knows and experiences that she's a higher priority to Tony than his friends are.

5) These female friends all have known Tony longer than Carrie has.

6) These female friends also appreciate Carrie. They have no issues spending time around her and him, and overall view Tony's wife as a new friend they enjoy interacting with whenever possible.

Dating relationships probably should aim to mirror this sort of vibe of a marriage. It's healthy to have friends in addition to a partner. Someone who shows little to no growth in recognizing this, and still sends possessive vibes, will probably not change all that much with time. So consider a future with them with eyes wide open that the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

Don't be someone you're not just to gain someone's love. Otherwise, they're not loving you, but rather the role you're choosing to take on. That never works.